REJECTION! Holy shite it sucks! But it’s an important part of life. Things can’t always go your way. Sometimes you have to come back down to Earth. But most times you aren’t ready to come down hard and fast, and definitely aren’t ready for a crash landing.
The horizon to be rejected in life is so wide. For us with anxious attachment styles, it can be an ugly and frightening landscape. Of course, the first example that comes to mind is romantic rejection. But there is such a wide range that we mustn’t forget: professionally, friendly, familial, scholarly… the list goes on. Maybe you applied to a job and you didn’t even get a response. Maybe you thought you aced the interview and you got a generic rejection letter a few days later. Perhaps you tried to be friends with someone and they didn’t reciprocate the effort. Maybe they didn’t even respond to your text. Maybe someone you thought was a friend unfollowed you on Instagram! Maybe you feel like you don’t fit into your family. Or did you apply to your dream academic program, only to receive a long it’s-not-you-its-us letter of rejection? Or maybe you were in a group and said a joke and you were met with crickets and tumbleweeds. Regardless, it sucks, but know that you’re not alone.
Below, I’m going to share an interesting form of rejection I’ve faced for the past few months. One that I’ve never experienced prior to this. I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I am at peace with this. Now, I have a lot of practice with being okay with being disliked. 😉 Anyways, if you’re feeling rejected right now and you’re reading this, I hope you know you’re going to be okay. Time and space will be your best friend in this!!! Trust me!!!
After the episode of psychosis I had, there were some people who don’t want to have anything to do with me. They might not have a strong understanding of mental illness. Or maybe they didn’t like me after everything I did or said while I was manic. Either way, it’s really hard not to take it personally when people change their mind about you. But it’s important that I learned how to embody the Southern saying: it’s like water off a duck’s back! There’s no other choice. What was I going to do? Lose more sleep over it? Yeah right!
There is a specific person at work that I’m thinking of, who I met during my first weeks at the company (where I currently work). When I started my job, they (I am using they/them in order to keep this person anonymous and hopefully blissfully unaware of their actions) were very sweet and kind to me. In fact, I met them during my first week, and they made a real effort to include me. I worked here for seven months before having my episode and during that time, I would have considered us acquaintances who were borderlining on being friends. But it seemed as soon as I had my psychotic episode, a switch flipped and suddenly they couldn’t even look me in the eyes. (FAIR ENOUGH HAHA!!!)
Nervously, I tried to interact with them upon my return to work after sick leave, and it was very unsuccessful. Now, 11 months after returning to work, they still don’t say hi to me when I see them. Which is pretty often. I’ve accepted defeat: I’ve given up on trying to be their friend. I don’t tell you this for pity, I tell you this to make you realize how isolating mental illness can be, even in the aftershocks of an episode, when almost all the dust has settled. Rejection SUCKS!
Recently, I was sitting at a table with a group of my friends at work. This person, my ex-acquaintance, was sitting alone that particular day. About midway through lunch, I got up to go downstairs and get an iced coffee. As soon as I left the table they went to sit with all of my friends. I guess they thought the coast was clear of the crazy lady. When I got back upstairs and did the math about what happened, it really made me feel like shit. But I didn’t let it ruin my day.
Maybe I said or did something that offended them. Honestly, probably. Maybe they have someone in their life with mental illness and they found it triggering to see me go through psychosis. But I had to find peace without knowing the answer why. Because if my own acceptance of myself depends on others feelings and actions towards me, I’m never going to be able to move forward past my most embarrassing yet vulnerable moments and bad judgment calls. This is something that I really found hard to accept even before having gone through mania. My sense of self used to be dependent on others feelings and actions towards me, whether I knew it or not. But after this year, I have learned that I need to let go of that self-grading system. What I know now is that I know myself the best. I am the best judge of my own character.
Who knows, maybe they just don’t like me now. But reality is, I saw a shift, however subtle or not, in them (and some others who were once part of my life) after I came to, and it does hurt me. But I don’t blame them for not knowing what it is like. How can you know unless someone close to you, or you yourself, also has had psychosis and mania? You can’t.
I will continue to experience rejection in life, but now I’m at peace with it: it’s part of the human experience. But the best thing you can do for yourself upon rejection is not take it personally. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there is something wrong with you…! No matter how much it hurts. ❤
Third times a charm! 