AITAH?

Due to today’s digital landscape, the number of acquaintances in my life is infinite. Some of them I’ve met just once, in passing, we spent a day (or night) together. We then decided to consummate and extend our relationship further by following each other on Instagram. Some acquaintances I have never met IRL and simply have enough mutual friends to warrant an online relationship of sorts; similar in fashion to carelessly adding Facebook friends back in the early 2010s: adding anyone that looked vaguely familiar in a quest to have the most friends, therefore the greatest online reach.

These anonymous followers of mine (almost) never interact with me, but due to the saturated nature of social media, I feel somewhat in touch with their daily lives. It’s a type of possibly parasocial relationship that allows me to safely eat up their online persona from a distance without knowing if the observation is mutual. Truth is, I am discreetly invested in their life, but only through what they choose to share online. That is, until it comes to encountering them in the real world. That’s when the switch flips in my head and suddenly I have never met them in my life and I certainly don’t know that their dog just turned 3 and their best friend got engaged.

I’d like to think I see them before they see me most of the time, so I often have enough time to strategize how to go unnoticed. But why do I do this, you ask? Well it’s because I cannot bear the small talk that would disrupt my day if I were to greet said acquaintance. “How have you been doing?” (We’re not close enough for me to care) “What’s new with you?” (Maybe I already know from Instagram) “It was so good to see you!” (Was it though?) These micro-interactions are anxiety inducing. I’m too introverted to indulge in them, and they drain me. What do I really get out of the simple exchange? The truth is, nothing at all. Actually, yes, one thing: dread! So there, I’ll say it: I detest seeing my acquaintances in public. In fact, I thank god for the days I wear sunglasses so that I can simply pretend I didn’t see them. What’s beautiful is that most of the time they seem to be of a similar mindset and they mirror my lack of acknowledgement. The odd times in which saying hi is inescapable, I brace myself for the same conversation I’ve been having for months. I fake it till I make it — through the short lived catch up session, that is.

I try to think of questions to ask to make the interaction less bland. But there’s a wall that stands in the way of having a real conversation, despite knowing what they’ve been up to through the Internet. Imagine admitting you watch their shit? We all passively watch portrayals of each others through a screen, but still it’s too embarrassing to admit. “Hey I saw you went thrifting last week and found good stuff, where was that?” “What have you been up to? Oh wait I saw you went to a cottage last weekend! Looked fun!” As if you would ever catch me admitting to consuming their content.

So therefore, if you ever see me in public and I turn the other way, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m too introverted and  small talk sucks.