When you close your eyes, what’s on the other side?

That is what it says on the back of my favourite t-shirt that I conveniently left in my childhood bedroom before leaving in July. I didn’t want it to get lost or damaged while overseas but now I think about it every time I’m getting dressed. 

Although the answer is ever changing, I now know what I need on the other side. Before leaving Canada in July, all I wanted was to be happy. At 11:11 I would wish over and over again: “Please just let me be happy again”. While I was driving down the (ok sitting in the passenger seat lol, shout out Quentin for driving me safely from K’gari to Melbourne, merci x 100) east coast of Australia wishing on shooting stars, happiness was all I could think about. This continued over and over again until I arrived in Melbourne again, after 5 years away. Now that I’m here, all I want is a balanced life: work play love laughs the right amount of time in the sun and of course at the beach. On most days, I have that here. I feel so lucky.

I’ve barely written since May because along with the lows of bipolar disorder comes a block for me in which I can’t produce anything I’m proud of. I don’t even know if I’m going to continually upload blog posts because I also left my laptop in Canada and typing on an iPad mini is kind of a buzzkill when your hands are tapping a 8.3 inch screen. I may as well just type it on my phone? Or record voice memos and type it at a later date? But I’m happy to have updated my website today at the Carlton Library, a place that I frequent. Where there are desktop computers and physical keyboards.

There are plenty of people I think of when I close my eyes, and I miss them all so much. Some of them are here with me, and for that I’m so grateful. Here in Australia, I live the balanced lifestyle that I need and want. I work at a café for a lovely couple who take good care of me, I’m off by 15:30 everyday so I can still do the things I love to do, and I have my handful of friends who I am myself with. What more could you ask for? Nothing’s missing, and when I realized that, it was the moment I could start writing again. 

So when you close your eyes, what’s on the other side? 

Xoxo Thank you for sticking with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ll see you soon I’m sure ❤